The Worst Halloween Costumes

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Only 2 days until Halloween and I’ve already seen some pretty ridiculous costumes floating around the internet. I’ve picked a few of my favorites that either made me laugh until I cried or say OMG while my jaw dropped to the ground. Enjoy!

url-2 sexy ebola nurse. is this a joke? you take a serious disease that’s killing thousands of people and make it look slutty. it made me laugh out of sheer ridiculousness. you’re protecting your calves but ebola won’t get your thighs, right?!

urla boob. not even a pair. just one boob. congrats, you’re stupid.

farmer-who-very-fond-his-sheep-costumea farmer doing a sheep. i just literally can’t even right now. guys, if you wear something like this halloween, the sheep better be willing to give it up because i seriously doubt any human being will.

weird-couples-costumes-halloween-costume-party-picture OMG THIS IS SO GROSS HAHAHA. The more I look, the more I laugh! How creepy that your man would be coming out of your vag all night?! HAHAHA OMG

Dick and Fanny This is just.. no words. The vag looks weird as hell though. I couldn’t even imagine how to explain this to my kids if we ever saw this pair walking down the street.

url-1 PLEASE DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT DRESS LIKE A BLOODY PAD. Guaranteed to make everyone vomit and leave the party. It’s so disgusting.. it’s even on his mouth, what the hell man!!!! *gag*

url-3A sexy Ronald McDonald? This is going to give me nightmares. She’s freaking me out. She even has the creepy smile going on. 😦

151676 WTF IS THIS HAHAHA Girls will take anything and make it a “sexy” something for Halloween. This kills me.

Awful-Halloween-costumes14 awful-ironman-costume-cosplay-terrible-13263055839 These two are so awesome. Homemade and Horrible. +1 to the guy drawing his own abs while busting out of his outfit that’s clearly 3 sizes too small. And the Iron Man Mask… that took real talent. Why have I been wasting money on costumes all these years? 😉

I hope everyone has a very safe and very fun Halloween this year. I’ll post my favorite costumes next 😀

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Puppy Love

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Puppy love, aka a simple infatuation or crush, is often felt by young people in adolescence. Most of us have probably experienced this at some point growing up. And most of us were probably completely “heartbroken” when our little crush didn’t turn into some serious, committed relationship before we even learned how to drive a car. 13e19d549c46ead0101c73b767adb492

As I’ve mentioned before, I started writing poetry when I was really young. Recently, I found a lot of my old poems I submitted to a poetry website well over a decade ago.

It’s so amusing to read all of these sad love poems I wrote when I was like 12. Really, Kayla? Love at 12. Hahahaha. You’d swear I had just lost the love of my life when in reality I had never even had my first kiss yet. Talking about being in someone else’s arms or missing their lips on mine when none of these things had EVER happened before. Omg, how ridiculous. I had quite the imagination!!! Maybe too many PG-13 chick flicks?!?!?! I’m going to blame A Walk to Remember, 10 Things I Hate About You, and all those other awesome late 90’s – early 2000’s movies that I spent my weekends watching (OMG the FEEEELS) e85de05d6a530439f280d42b843487c8894d2c7cbb045f4267396a2182fddeb4

Anyway, thought I’d share a couple today. The poems themselves are pretty cheesy but even cheesier realizing a little 12 year old sat at her desk in the afternoons writing these and daydreaming of boys that probably still thought girls had cooties. My mom must have started checking to see if I was sneaking out late at night… or if I was starting to sneak boys in. LOL.

Apologies

I’m sorry I can’t be perfect, but I’ll try my best anyway

I’m sorry I’m not good enough, will you ever love me someday?

I want to be with you, always and forever

But It’s too late and you don’t want me… ever

I’ll continue to waste my love on you and I’ll continue to hope

And when it’s time to move on, me and grief will cope

I’ll be sad for a long time and I’ll miss you much

But I can’t love you forever if your feelings aren’t such

I’m sorry I’m not good enough and sorry for wasting your time

I’m sorry that I can’t help it… that all I wish is that you were mine

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If I had to guess, the person that poem was about probably had NO clue I liked him. I mean.. I’m writing about wasting love on him and wishing he was mine when he was (probably) off playing football and video games and had no clue I existed. I tended to do that a lot when I was little: crush on boys that I had never talked to before lol. Oh and the part “I want to be with you always and forever” hahahaha WOW. Well I surely wasn’t afraid of commitment before even turning into a teenager! WINNING.

Empty Thinking

Sitting here thinking that there’s an empty space in my bed

And you’re dancing in circles around in my head

Staring at the clock, watching the time go by

It’s been awhile now, yeah it’s been awhile

I’m remembering what it’s like to smile

I’m empty without you here, baby

Oh, life is just not quite the same

You’re to blame, you’re to blame

Wishing on shooting stars and 11:11s

Trying not to cry, please don’t make me cry

I’ll give happiness one more try

But every song… everything reminds me of you

Of us and all the things that we would do

I miss you and it’s hell here when you’re gone

Every second seems too long

You took my heart, you took my smile

Oh boy, it’s been awhile

Okay first off.. it’s been awhile? More like.. never. It’s been never since I had been with anyone. Where the hell did I come up with this romantic shit? Although I do remember any shooting star, 11:11, or dandelion was used for wishing for a boyfriend. Boy crazy, much?!

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Well I think it’s safe to say, I probably scared the shit out of almost any guy that I was ever semi interested in by writing poems and having romantic fantasies in my head… and by just being totally creepy. Someone should have told me to worry more about playing with dolls or something. 😉 Hope y’all got a giggle or two out of my silliness!

Killing Them With Kindness

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My mother always taught me how to be the better person in any situation. Well, she tried. One of the things she repeatedly tried to burn into my brain was “Kill them with kindness.”  (I just wanted to actually kill them most of the time, but you know.. mother knows best, I guess.)

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I still have trouble with that. If I think that someone has wronged me in some way, it’s so difficult for me to forget that.. ever. Forgive? Yes. I can somewhat forgive. No matter what anyone does to me, if I am continually forced to run into that person, I will eventually quit holding a grudge and let it go. But I will never forget. I will never stop wondering when they will get what’s coming to them. Sometimes, I might even dream of a plan for revenge to make them feel the way they made me feel. Public humiliation was always my favorite 😉 I know this isn’t very nice or healthy but I can’t help it that it’s my first instinct: you hurt me, I hurt you.

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I’ve definitely gotten better at it over the years though. At one point in my life, there weren’t many people I liked or that remained on my good side. I was bitter and distrustful of everyone’s intentions. Now, I have trouble remembering if I’m supposed to be upset with anyone. Maturity and family has a way of shifting what’s important, and even though a lot of people still do things to hurt me, I’ve found it in me to try to understand why and that they probably aren’t hurting me on purpose. People are selfish and will always do what benefits them and the sooner you learn that, the happier you can be.

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With that being said, very recently I was face to face with someone that has hurt me tremendously this year. This person does not know that I found out what was said and done behind my back. At the time, I came up with at least 50 scenarios in my head for confronting this person. They betrayed me in a horrible way.. Instead of confiding in me and protecting me, they chose to partake in something that could have really hurt my reputation. So, when I ran into them, I immediately felt anger. It was so hard to swallow my pride and act like everything was perfectly fine. But I did it. It only took about 20 years, but maybe Momma is finally starting to rub off on me.

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People have always tended to leave me out. Forget about me. Choose other people and things over me. Stab me in the back to get ahead in life. Is there something wrong with me? Should I change to be more like them so we can be better friends? I tried that for years. It’s not worth it. People are assholes. And people are VERY manipulative when they really want something. But, I’m starting to find great joy in smiling at those who wronged me knowing that I would never do the same. Being the better person is a very tough road to take, and I’ve failed at it many times. (which is probably why bad things keep happening.. God must think I am SUCH a slow learner!) But this was definitely a step in the right direction. No, I will never trust that person again nor will I ever let them in again. But I can be kind and I can look past what was done. (and secretly laugh when bad things happen to them, muahahahaha)

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To anyone that purposely hurt me, though.. and probably wondered why I never said anything. Just know that I know. And know that when karma hits, I’ll be pouring myself a beer and toasting myself for not stooping to your level. 😉

8 Things I Hate About Winter

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Winter. It’s cold. It’s dark. Everything is dead. People really like this season?! Because if so, these people are assholes. Lover of all things miserable.

a2567ffe8c2f8c3b7aede66394c57bedBorn and raised in south Louisiana aka the humid tropical rainforest of the United States, I have always recoiled from cold weather. It physically hurts me. If we could just merge spring and fall together and have that weather 75% of the time and summer 25% of the time, I’d be one happy human.

The low has been in the 50s over here for a week now and I hate it.. so.. here’s a list of the things I hate the most about my least favorite season:

8) The freezing car seats. When I sit in my car and any inch of my skin comes into contact with that cold leather, I literally shriek and panic. My hands cannot move fast enough to turn my heater on to 90 degrees. My muscles don’t relax until I’m sweating. Usually the cold outside and warm inside causes my windshields to fog up. But obviously safe driving isn’t as important as being warm and cozy. Duh.

7) Besides the arctic temps inside of my car during winter, I hate when my windshield is frosted over. We don’t have those nifty little gadgets that scrape the ice off. We like to live in denial that we even have a winter over here. So those mornings when I have to wait 20 minutes with the defroster and windshield wipers on full blast are especially annoying. AAANNNNNYYY day now, frost. No, please.. take your time. I have NOWHERE important to go today..

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6) It gets dark. At 5 pm. Who the hell is done with their day by 5 pm?!?! No one. That’s who. Eat shit, daylight savings time.. eat shit. Because of you, we all gain those precious pounds back that we lost for summertime.

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5) You cannot be cute AND warm. Sorry. It’s just not possible. 10 shirts + 5 scarves + 2 long johns + jacket = Michelin Man. The WORST is when we have somewhere nice to go that requires a dress. And it’s going to be 30 degrees. Do y’all realize how little stockings help in fending off the cold? I think someone should invent leggings and stockings with heaters built-in. Just saying.

images 4) The New Year’s Resolutions that no one cares about and no one follows through with. Shut up. You’re not going to be a “new me” this year – you failed last year. Oh and the year before that. Safe to say you’re just going to be the same douchebag you’ve always been.

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3) Chapped lips. All. the. time. How are we supposed to cuddle and kiss someone with all that free time we have because it’s dark all the time IF WE HAVE RAZORBLADES FOR LIPS?!

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2) Cold feet. The floor is always cold so your feet are always cold… and then you pour what you THINK is a hot bath. You dip your feet in to check the temp and HOLYSHIT that’s hot! Except it’s not. You just poured a lukewarm bath thinking it was too hot because your feet are cold. Gahdamnit, I hate that. Nothing ruins my day like a lukewarm bath.

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1) COLD TOILET SEATS!!! Just No. No. No. No. Nope.

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Anyone else agree that winter is just the worst? At least there’s no mosquitoes in winter :-/ Feel free to share and comment if you agree with my distaste for the coldest time of the year!

10 Things I Hate About Being a Girl

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The battle of the sexes. We’ve all heard of it. Men are stronger. Women are smarter. Women are crazy. Men are assholes. The list goes on..

I’ve always thought this notion was silly. I’ve seen some VERY strong women in my life and I’ve seen some very smart men. I also grew up as “one of the guys” and thought girls always acted so silly and petty. But, when I got a little older, I wanted these same guys to notice me. And that proved very difficult. I always felt like such an oddball being on the fence. On the one hand, I loved hanging out with the boys way more than the girls. I never got into the whole nail polishing, gossiping, shopping, giggling, sit in a circle and do nothing at school act. I played sports my whole life. In fact, I still do. I burp a lot. I can be pretty crude and honest. I used to always have dirt under my fingernails. And I spit when I play softball. It’s like a nervous tic. I know, I know. Gross. I think my Mom died a little inside every time she caught me doing that. My mind is always in the gutter, I love a good dirty joke, and curse more than a sailor. The tomboy in me will never go away.

But, eventually, I started to realize I needed to be a…. girl. How scary. I had no idea how to paint nails or fix my hair or do anything that would make me “pretty.” Well, it took about 10 years, but I think I’ve finally caught on to this whole girl thing. And here’s a list of the things I absolutely hate about it:

10) Taking precious time to polish your nails… and then smudging them. Or one hand is so absolutely perfect and the other… is a train wreck. This happens to me EVERY SINGLE TIME I paint my nails. It is ridiculous how unattractive I feel when one of my nails is messed up. It ruins my entire outfit. So dumb. But so true.

f2e9eb4d41c8c95d3bc4c59c4954a321 9) The fact that there is no “one bra fits all” or “one pair of jeans fits all.” How annoying that I have to try on 50 bras each time I want to wear a shirt to see which one works best with that shirt. I might have a push up bra in beige but I need a push up bra in black to go with this shirt. Or I love the way my light jeans fit the best with a certain shirt but it would only look good with dark jeans. SO. FRUSTRATING. DO Y’ALL REALIZE HOW EXPENSIVE BRAS AND JEANS ARE?!?! This is why I just want fake boobs. No bras needed. HA. Take that, Victoria’s Secret.

8) Shaving. OMG. Can we please just invent something so I don’t have to waste so much of my life shaving my entire body? I’m so lazy that I have it on rotation. Tonight, I’ll shave my legs.. Tomorrow, my arms. I just want all the hair on my body besides my hair on my head removed forever so I never have to pick up a razor ever again.

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7) Eyebrow upkeep… who knew eyebrows could be so important? My whole life people always asked me if I was upset all the time. I never understood until I realized my eyebrows were thin straight lines and always made me look pissed off unless I put a really exaggerated smile on my face. Let me just say that I deal with the resting bitch face because holding a huge fake smile 24/7 takes too much effort. But do I seriously have to pluck my eyebrows like every other day? I go through blood, sweat, and tears to pluck those babies and then two days later, I have stray eyebrow hairs everywhere. WTF, brows. I hate you.

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6) The struggles of being weaker than our male counterparts. You know how it always happens.. you and your boo get in a big argument and you just want to be mad all day because that’s what girls do. So, you’re minding your own pissed off business when you go in the kitchen to fix a snack.. and you can’t open the jar. The horror of that situation. You try until your fingers are screaming in protest. You bang it against the counter. You grunt and you scream until finally.. you have to ask him to help open it. And he smiles and relishes in that moment knowing he wins that battle. I would be lying if I said this hasn’t happened to me before and left me in tears of embarrassment. Pride’s a bitch.

5) Duck lips. We all do them. It’s like an automatic reflex when the camera is focused our way. Can someone else just start a new trend for girls taking pictures? Like, actually smiling? Or even not smiling would be better. I want to quit doing duck lips. Duck Lips anonymous, who’s in?

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4) Good Hair Days Vs Good Makeup Days. They never happen at the same time. I will either have mismatched eyeliner on my eyes and mascara smudges everywhere or my hair will be a frizzy hot mess that didn’t curl the same way on each side like it’s supposed to. Such a cruel joke.

3) Panty lines. Yoga pants and tight dresses’ worst enemy. I wear yoga pants often to the gym and I feel like everyone is staring at my butt and laughing on those rare days that I forget to wear a thong. But some of my pants are so thin, that even with a thong, the lines on my hips show. And going commando at the gym is just a huge no-no. And thongs ride up your butt crack 24/7 and you have to try to be a ninja in public digging that thing out. Or just trying to ignore the constant wedgie. Sigh. We just can’t win.

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2) The constant struggle of wanting to be thin but wanting to eat everything in sight. Guys can just eat. Shove food in their mouths like they’re starving. Pizza, ice cream, whatever. And not gain a. single. pound. Or decide they’ve gained a few pounds and go run one day – and voila! – abs. I look at a picture of cake and my jean buttons pop off. If a magical Genie ever appears and grants me one wish.. it will be this: Genie, I want to be able to eat whatever I want and lots of it without ever gaining weight! BEST. WISH. EVER.

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1) Cramps. LIFE ARE U FAREAL. Once a month.. not even like once a year.. or even every other month. Once a damn month, we have to feel like something is beating the shit out of us from the inside out. For at least a day, we are doubled over in pain. For about a week, our clothes don’t fit right and we feel like beluga whales. How is this even remotely fair? It takes two to make a kid, right? If they ever invent some kind of device that can transfer cramps to men to alleviate my pain, my husband better run.

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Girls make a lot of sacrifices to look pretty and feel good. I think this means we should automatically win the battle of the sexes… we work way harder 😉

Sparkles

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My daughter is a typical 4 year old.. She wants to be just like her Momma. The beauty about this is that she already has the main ingredients to take after me: a strawberry tint to her hair, curls curls & more curls, a sassy attitude, a feisty temper, and freckles.

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The first freckle came out sometime last summer and when I found it, I couldn’t contain my excitement. “Look Aubrey, you have a freckle! Just like Momma!” Her face lit up like the 4th of July. From that day on, she has called them her “sparkles” and she periodically makes sure to count them and check that they didn’t somehow fade away.

Sometime this week, we were in the car and she started talking about her “sparkles.” “Momma, look my sparkles! I have a bunch! I’m just like YOU, Momma!” I beamed with pride. But after a few minutes, I started feeling sad.. what if she gets as many as me instead of the few cute ones she has now? What if she doesn’t always love her sparkles? I was the only one in my family with millions of freckles and I loved them until I was teased for them. Then, I spent over a decade trying to hide them. No doubt, one day, my little girl might come home in tears because someone will call her freckle-face or say how ugly they are. They are going to take something that she’s proud of and make her ashamed of who she is.. who she was born to be.. and something she absolutely cannot change even if she wants to.

In that moment, a poem formed in my head. I hope to instill in her an unshakeable foundation of self confidence and self love but, I will keep it just in case she needs it. In case she hates her sparkles one day.

Sparkles

I hope, babygirl, that you’re always proud

Of your self and the sparkles on your skin

Mama had the same growing up

But she was ashamed of them

Each new mark from the sun’s rays

Lights up your face aglow

Don’t ever let anyone tell you

That they need to cause you sorrow

Because, you see, the sparkles are lovely

Just like your precious face

And as you grow older

They will wish to be in your place

Your curls will make you different

And your skin will never tan

Do not get discouraged, darling

They’re all done by His hand

You were made just like your Mama

And right now that makes your day

And nothing could make me happier

Than if you stayed this way

Book Highlight: If I Stay

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There’s an easy way to tell if I’m feeling sad and depressed or trying to run away from a personal situation in my life that’s causing me pain: I read. I know this sounds silly, but I’ve always looked to books for an escape. It’s so much easier to deal with a fictional character’s pain and emotions rather than my own… so I lose myself in books to avoid dealing with my own life.

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 Three years ago, I had to have my tonsils and adenoids removed and sinus surgery all on the same day. I heard and read that this was one of the most painful recoveries ever. For once, the internet and webMD weren’t lying. The only recovery worse than that was from having the twins BUT even THAT recovery lasted less than a week while recovering from tonsil surgery took a full 14 days of torture. So what did I do? I read. A lot. I read every single Harry Potter book in less than two weeks. I probably should have called Guiness because I feel like that’s a record or something. In between my drug induced naps, I lost myself in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and it helped so much. It made those two weeks fly by and made me focus on something else other than the constant pain in my throat and my inability to eat anything. Even if the books weren’t that great (but they were!), I will always hold a special place in my heart for Harry and his friends for helping me through such a hard time in my life. I know most people have read the books, but if you haven’t, do it.. it’ll change your life.f8b3f5f522ed4770e1986bc5f36265c3

Anyway, last week wasn’t the best week ever so this weekend I spent most of my time reading. I know I’m probably behind on this, but I read “If I Stay” followed by the sequel “Where She Went” and let me just say this: holyfuckingshit. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so traumatized after reading a fictional story. These books are not for the faint of heart or for anyone that doesn’t feel like crying. And I wasn’t just crying here or there.. it was a full on snot fest for the entire length of the first book. At some points, the tears were flowing so quickly that I couldn’t even read the words on my Kindle. I went to bed Saturday night feeling like I had nothing left to live for. LOL. I know that sounds ridiculous but the book was SO good and SO touching that I felt like I went through everything Mia (the main character) did. (And let me just add: this -fictional- girl went through one of the worst possible scenarios for anyone to ever go through.)

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The second book had a much happier ending and definitely helped me to recover from the first. If you’re a girl and need a good tearjerker, I definitely recommend these. If you’re feeling down, by the end of it, you’ll realize you have nothing to complain about. Life could be so much worse. It’s so weird how certain things happen in your life at just the right moments. I was browsing the book store on my Kindle for a new book thinking I would read “Gone Girl” and ended up choosing this one. Or maybe it chose me. But it was EXACTLY what I needed to read and so applicable to my life right now. I feel refreshed. I feel happy again. And a part of me will always be in those pages. I have a lot of little parts of me scattered in my favorite books that I often go back and re-read to find myself again. With that being said, it might be awhile before I start another series or a new book. It’s going to take me awhile to recover from this one and I just wanted to share while the impact was fresh to hopefully not be the only goofball that’s left brokenhearted after finishing a really good book. 🙂 I definitely have one of these right now:

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