DID: The Dreamers & The Doers

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Dear Internet Diary [DID], I definitely count myself as one of the dreamers. I will obsess over something that I want for days, weeks, even months. I will stay up all night thinking about it and how to make it attainable. And no matter how far fetched these dreams might be, I always find a tiny speck of hope that maybe, just maybe, it is possible.

The worst part about being a dreamer is when you’re not a doer as well. I dream and dream but I never really follow through. Life played a cruel joke on me when they gave me this wonderful ability to create elaborate scenarios in my head but no skill set to accomplish these tasks. Haha, life.

For instance, I really like to write. I really like to sing except that I’m horrible at it. Really really bad. People at karaoke would boo me off stage, seriously. But every now and then, I’ll dream of being a singer. The stage, the lights, the screaming fans that adore everything you do and say.. And that tiny speck of hope I was talking about? I’ll convince myself late at night that I could get a voice coach and be at least okay with a lot of editing and then I can write my own songs and be the next Taylor Swift. (gotta give the girl her dues, she’s got guts) Then, I’ll be singing in my car the next day and maybe send a snapchat video to a friend of me singing and realize.. holy shit.. no amount of help could EVER make this voice enjoyable. Dream crushed. On to the next one..

For being such a dreamer, one would think I would also have the wherewithal to at least follow some of them through. But, I also can be pretty realistic. I always know the limitations and the probabilities of a positive outcome every time I start dreaming.. and the longer I dream about something, the more I start thinking that there is no way possible that it will ever work out. And then I have to deal with being heartbroken. Crushed. Except it’s no one else’s fault but my own. I am and always have been the victim of my own misplaced hopes and dreams. But I’m also a dreamer, so… I still set myself up for it every single time. I think that’s the beauty of my life though.. No matter what happens, no matter what obstacles life has thrown at me, I have never lost hope.

I wrote this today because last night I cried myself to sleep as another one of my dreams seems to have hit a brick wall. This time, I’m not going to move on and dream a new dream (anyone catch this Tangled reference?). I’m going to figure out a way to climb that wall and make it happen. I’m tired of the realistic Kayla telling the Kayla that’s over there daydreaming by the window that it’s not possible. “Anything is possible, if you just believe” – Jiminy Cricket

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I’m also writing this as a way to keep me accountable, that I won’t give up and I will continue: To write, to share, to stop being afraid of taking chances and stop caring about people’s opinions. I mean, come on.. I’m a nerd, I write poems, I’m cheesy.. cat’s out of the bag. There’s no turning back now. As Steven Tyler once sang, Dream On. 😉 What are some of your dreams that you think are unattainable? Just remember that they aren’t. Go after what you want and never look back..

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Début: A little girl & her poems

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About 20 years ago, I was a 6 year old girl and in the 1st grade. It was around this time that our teachers started encouraging us to write short stories and poems in class… Every year, they submitted the best ones to be published in a book for young authors. I think all my poems were published. They were silly, of course, but I quickly realized I was really good at writing and rhyming. And that was when my love for poetry began. I would spend hours after school writing poems. After my grandmother passed away when I was 9 and I started being bullied at school for other reasons, I turned to my writing as a form of therapy. My poems were really dark for such a young girl and frankly, my mother became terrified. Haha.

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5 yr old Kayla. Check out the strawberry curls 🙂

But, of course, I eventually stopped writing poems because people started making me feel embarrassed at school. Last year, miraculously, I came across a poetry site I remember from when I was younger. When I typed my name in, many of my old poems were STILL on there! It’s been a joy rereading them. It’s like my younger self is screaming out to my older self for help and my older self is now comforting her knowing she’s been there and she made it and everyone’s going to be okay. (Does that make sense?)

Recently, I decided to start writing again. My hope is that someone lost and alone stumbles upon this blog and finds the courage needed to know that everything will be okay and leave with a smile on their face. I’ll make sure I work up the courage to post the new poems on here but until then, I’d like to share some of my favorite poems from when I was a little girl. This one is called “Her Way” and I wrote it when I was probably 10ish and reminiscing on how I spent all my days as a kid under the sun running around and not having a care in the world. I just wanted to go back to a time and place where I didn’t give two shits what anyone said to me, about me, or what they thought of me. Growing up is rough. 🙂

Her Way

She’s used to wearing ponytails

Shorts and muscle shirts, too

Her favorite toy was the outdoors

She loved to be there with you

Her long red hair bounced on her back

Her freckles dotted her like stars

She was so young and so carefree

Now her heart has so many scars

Her life went by so quickly

As she continued trying to be herself

Her awards kept rolling in despite being bullied

She has them placed on her shelf

To be her younger self again

She’d trade everything she had

She walks around with a frown

But if she was young, she’d be glad

Running around in the sunlight

That’s what she’d do every day

She’d happily go back to that

If only she could have her way