My mother always taught me how to be the better person in any situation. Well, she tried. One of the things she repeatedly tried to burn into my brain was “Kill them with kindness.” (I just wanted to actually kill them most of the time, but you know.. mother knows best, I guess.)
I still have trouble with that. If I think that someone has wronged me in some way, it’s so difficult for me to forget that.. ever. Forgive? Yes. I can somewhat forgive. No matter what anyone does to me, if I am continually forced to run into that person, I will eventually quit holding a grudge and let it go. But I will never forget. I will never stop wondering when they will get what’s coming to them. Sometimes, I might even dream of a plan for revenge to make them feel the way they made me feel. Public humiliation was always my favorite 😉 I know this isn’t very nice or healthy but I can’t help it that it’s my first instinct: you hurt me, I hurt you.
I’ve definitely gotten better at it over the years though. At one point in my life, there weren’t many people I liked or that remained on my good side. I was bitter and distrustful of everyone’s intentions. Now, I have trouble remembering if I’m supposed to be upset with anyone. Maturity and family has a way of shifting what’s important, and even though a lot of people still do things to hurt me, I’ve found it in me to try to understand why and that they probably aren’t hurting me on purpose. People are selfish and will always do what benefits them and the sooner you learn that, the happier you can be.
With that being said, very recently I was face to face with someone that has hurt me tremendously this year. This person does not know that I found out what was said and done behind my back. At the time, I came up with at least 50 scenarios in my head for confronting this person. They betrayed me in a horrible way.. Instead of confiding in me and protecting me, they chose to partake in something that could have really hurt my reputation. So, when I ran into them, I immediately felt anger. It was so hard to swallow my pride and act like everything was perfectly fine. But I did it. It only took about 20 years, but maybe Momma is finally starting to rub off on me.
People have always tended to leave me out. Forget about me. Choose other people and things over me. Stab me in the back to get ahead in life. Is there something wrong with me? Should I change to be more like them so we can be better friends? I tried that for years. It’s not worth it. People are assholes. And people are VERY manipulative when they really want something. But, I’m starting to find great joy in smiling at those who wronged me knowing that I would never do the same. Being the better person is a very tough road to take, and I’ve failed at it many times. (which is probably why bad things keep happening.. God must think I am SUCH a slow learner!) But this was definitely a step in the right direction. No, I will never trust that person again nor will I ever let them in again. But I can be kind and I can look past what was done. (and secretly laugh when bad things happen to them, muahahahaha)
To anyone that purposely hurt me, though.. and probably wondered why I never said anything. Just know that I know. And know that when karma hits, I’ll be pouring myself a beer and toasting myself for not stooping to your level. 😉