The battle of the sexes. We’ve all heard of it. Men are stronger. Women are smarter. Women are crazy. Men are assholes. The list goes on..
I’ve always thought this notion was silly. I’ve seen some VERY strong women in my life and I’ve seen some very smart men. I also grew up as “one of the guys” and thought girls always acted so silly and petty. But, when I got a little older, I wanted these same guys to notice me. And that proved very difficult. I always felt like such an oddball being on the fence. On the one hand, I loved hanging out with the boys way more than the girls. I never got into the whole nail polishing, gossiping, shopping, giggling, sit in a circle and do nothing at school act. I played sports my whole life. In fact, I still do. I burp a lot. I can be pretty crude and honest. I used to always have dirt under my fingernails. And I spit when I play softball. It’s like a nervous tic. I know, I know. Gross. I think my Mom died a little inside every time she caught me doing that. My mind is always in the gutter, I love a good dirty joke, and curse more than a sailor. The tomboy in me will never go away.
But, eventually, I started to realize I needed to be a…. girl. How scary. I had no idea how to paint nails or fix my hair or do anything that would make me “pretty.” Well, it took about 10 years, but I think I’ve finally caught on to this whole girl thing. And here’s a list of the things I absolutely hate about it:
10) Taking precious time to polish your nails… and then smudging them. Or one hand is so absolutely perfect and the other… is a train wreck. This happens to me EVERY SINGLE TIME I paint my nails. It is ridiculous how unattractive I feel when one of my nails is messed up. It ruins my entire outfit. So dumb. But so true.
9) The fact that there is no “one bra fits all” or “one pair of jeans fits all.” How annoying that I have to try on 50 bras each time I want to wear a shirt to see which one works best with that shirt. I might have a push up bra in beige but I need a push up bra in black to go with this shirt. Or I love the way my light jeans fit the best with a certain shirt but it would only look good with dark jeans. SO. FRUSTRATING. DO Y’ALL REALIZE HOW EXPENSIVE BRAS AND JEANS ARE?!?! This is why I just want fake boobs. No bras needed. HA. Take that, Victoria’s Secret.
8) Shaving. OMG. Can we please just invent something so I don’t have to waste so much of my life shaving my entire body? I’m so lazy that I have it on rotation. Tonight, I’ll shave my legs.. Tomorrow, my arms. I just want all the hair on my body besides my hair on my head removed forever so I never have to pick up a razor ever again.
7) Eyebrow upkeep… who knew eyebrows could be so important? My whole life people always asked me if I was upset all the time. I never understood until I realized my eyebrows were thin straight lines and always made me look pissed off unless I put a really exaggerated smile on my face. Let me just say that I deal with the resting bitch face because holding a huge fake smile 24/7 takes too much effort. But do I seriously have to pluck my eyebrows like every other day? I go through blood, sweat, and tears to pluck those babies and then two days later, I have stray eyebrow hairs everywhere. WTF, brows. I hate you.
6) The struggles of being weaker than our male counterparts. You know how it always happens.. you and your boo get in a big argument and you just want to be mad all day because that’s what girls do. So, you’re minding your own pissed off business when you go in the kitchen to fix a snack.. and you can’t open the jar. The horror of that situation. You try until your fingers are screaming in protest. You bang it against the counter. You grunt and you scream until finally.. you have to ask him to help open it. And he smiles and relishes in that moment knowing he wins that battle. I would be lying if I said this hasn’t happened to me before and left me in tears of embarrassment. Pride’s a bitch.
5) Duck lips. We all do them. It’s like an automatic reflex when the camera is focused our way. Can someone else just start a new trend for girls taking pictures? Like, actually smiling? Or even not smiling would be better. I want to quit doing duck lips. Duck Lips anonymous, who’s in?
4) Good Hair Days Vs Good Makeup Days. They never happen at the same time. I will either have mismatched eyeliner on my eyes and mascara smudges everywhere or my hair will be a frizzy hot mess that didn’t curl the same way on each side like it’s supposed to. Such a cruel joke.
3) Panty lines. Yoga pants and tight dresses’ worst enemy. I wear yoga pants often to the gym and I feel like everyone is staring at my butt and laughing on those rare days that I forget to wear a thong. But some of my pants are so thin, that even with a thong, the lines on my hips show. And going commando at the gym is just a huge no-no. And thongs ride up your butt crack 24/7 and you have to try to be a ninja in public digging that thing out. Or just trying to ignore the constant wedgie. Sigh. We just can’t win.
2) The constant struggle of wanting to be thin but wanting to eat everything in sight. Guys can just eat. Shove food in their mouths like they’re starving. Pizza, ice cream, whatever. And not gain a. single. pound. Or decide they’ve gained a few pounds and go run one day – and voila! – abs. I look at a picture of cake and my jean buttons pop off. If a magical Genie ever appears and grants me one wish.. it will be this: Genie, I want to be able to eat whatever I want and lots of it without ever gaining weight! BEST. WISH. EVER.
1) Cramps. LIFE ARE U FAREAL. Once a month.. not even like once a year.. or even every other month. Once a damn month, we have to feel like something is beating the shit out of us from the inside out. For at least a day, we are doubled over in pain. For about a week, our clothes don’t fit right and we feel like beluga whales. How is this even remotely fair? It takes two to make a kid, right? If they ever invent some kind of device that can transfer cramps to men to alleviate my pain, my husband better run.
Girls make a lot of sacrifices to look pretty and feel good. I think this means we should automatically win the battle of the sexes… we work way harder 😉